an exercise in free-writing II

the only thing that literature students are really really good at?

rationalizing.

right now, the irrational me is firmly in control.

its this part of me that mourns all the lost chances that i have ever missed. every failed endeavour, every mis-step that i make, it records in high-definition, 4k, whatever the current lingo is. it remembers every single damned thing so clearly.

a part of me knows that the only way to stop history from repeating itself right now, is to stand up, make a stand, do something about it. to move is to change, to stay stationary is the only crime that anyone can make.

really.

yet, there is no motivating factor right now – if i could set everything on fire, and watch the damned world burn, i would. but i cant.

if i could die, which i know i can, i would.

but no

it is pure irrationality – this one that knows that its existence needs to be complimented with rationality. the one that knows if it attempts to change any little bit of this equation, it would cease to exist.

teaching me that you cannot do without some sort of emotional attachment in this world. the negative effects of foreveralone, and god knows the other dozen internet memes that describe loneliness.

memes that i don’t understand. me gusta, herp derp, what do these strange words mean?

what difference are they from the words that i see on printed pages? do they have any meaning for me now?

do they? does anything?

meaning.

we ascribe meaning to the things we do.

what happens when we fail to do that? do we fail as human beings altogether if we can’t find meaning?

 

tell me what to do,

when the heart finds no more meaning to keep existing.

when nothing in this damned world moves you anymore.

when we have become so de-sensitized to everything there is out there. there is nothing magical or amazing about this world anymore.

 

and the only thing left is that empty beating heart.

 

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